Dear whoever finds this,
“I think I still love Ivy” Levi is saying to me. We are sat against the
radiator (that is turned off because it is summertime and the weather is warm)
next to the record player amplifier drinking mugs of tea. “No, I’m sure that I
still love her. But, it’s just, that level of intimacy terrifies me and I
always thought that it would come naturally.”
“I’m sure you guys will patch it up” I say.
“I hope so” Levi says, “I can’t even write anything at the moment. It’s
painfully ironic that at the saddest time of my life I cannot muster the energy
needed to write sad lyrics. Or any lyrics for that matter. Anything that comes
from my pen ends up like a sappy break up song. I can’t even begin to form
these silly poems into tunes. Ivy always did that for me” he sighs.
We are silent for a bit.
“I love this song” I say when
Cemetery Gates comes on.
“You know what? Even when I listen to Morrissey now I feel like he’s
jeering at me like you’ll never be nearly
as good as me” Levi says.
“Morrissey would never say that to you” I say, shocked, “He would
understand. He was celibate for most of the ‘80s remember.”
“No, he would just think I was a faceless, fawning, boring child from an
ugly new house who could never begin to know. Let alone ever write lyrics like
him or get my quiff as fluffy as his” Levi says.
Levi’s quiff is looking a little limp today. I suppose he really is sad
if he does not want to look in the mirror long enough to get his hair right.
“Well, in my bedroom in this ugly new house we can dance our legs down
to the knees” I say.
“We need to turn the record over first” he says grimly. Side two of The Queen is Dead is ending.
I have a look through all the records and find the side that has the most
danceable songs on. I choose side one of Hatful of Hollow.
I come through to the centre of the living room and stand there for a
bit, singing the words under my breath and wanting to make Levi smile or laugh
by dancing but not wanting to make a fool out of myself in front of him. It is a conflicting situation because to make him laugh probably involves making a fool out of myself. He
stares right past me with a morose look across his face so I walk over to Levi,
take his almost empty lukewarm cup of tea out of his hand, grab his hand and
pull him up. He groans but he is smiling.
For a little while things are better for both of us I think.
Levi has been here for three hours already, by the way, and we have
spent our time talking, drinking tea and listening to records. It is starting
to get dark outside and once this side of the record is finished we put it back
in the sleeve, turn off the record player and go up to my bedroom.
We sit on my window seat like we did on Levi’s birthday just two nights
ago. We do not say anything for a very long time.
“Look, Levi” I say, “Have you ever seen the sky look as beautiful as it
does this evening?”
He looks up, “No, Willow, I haven’t. Red sky at night, Sheppard’s
delight. God, I hope it isn’t just the Sheppard’s that have a better day
tomorrow.”
“Things will get better” I say, “Let’s enjoy the moment.”
So there we sit on my window seat, watching the pink tinted clouds in
the powder blue sky until the sky turns to a deep purple and the sparkling dead
stars start to open their eyes for another night in this infinite galaxy.
“What do you think about suicide?” I finally ask.
His thick eyebrows knit together as he screws up his brow. He bites his
tongue in thought, “Suicide? Um, I, um, yeah, well; I guess it is one solution.
I mean, taking life into your own hands, it’s kind of admirable, in a way.”
I nod.
“Why do you ask?” he asks.
“Well, it’s just that, at Emilia’s house last week we were all trying to
get to sleep with all the lights out when Lana asked what we all thought. We
talked about it for a while and then we started talking about, like, all
killing ourselves at the end of the summer” I say.
Levi raises his eyebrows.
“Are you still keeping your diary for the summer?” I ask.
“Yes” says Levi.
“Well, we were thinking that we should take them when we do it so they
become sort of like suicide notes and we leave a legacy” I say, "You could leave a CD or something with your music on it. I find it fascinating listening to musicians who have later taken their own lives like Ian Curtis and Kurt Cobain."
“When you say we, who do you
mean?” Levi asks.
“Me, Emilia, Lana and Steven. The others don’t really want to” I say, “You
don’t have to. I know you won’t if you don’t want to but you seem pretty sad at
the moment.”
“I am” Levi says, “You know, I’ve thought about it before; killing
myself; lots of times. But I was scared. Not scared of dying but scared of
living; scared of surviving; scared of life after death; scared of being so
infinitely alone at the very end.”
Silence.
“It would be nice to be with others” Levi says, “People I care about,
you know?”
I nod.
“Has anyone spoken to Ivy at all?” Levi asks.
I shake my head. “She was supposed to stay round mine last night but she
didn’t turn up at all yesterday. I guess she’s still part of the group though so I'll see her at some point. Does
anyone else know about you guys?”
Levi shakes his head, “Unless Ivy’s told them.”
“Nobody said anything about it” I reassure him.
“I don’t want the others to know just yet” Levi says, “I mean; we might
still get back together or something.”
“Maybe” I say.
I look out the window again and desperately search for some sort of meaning in the sky of our galaxy.
Levi goes back to his house at around ten o’clock. I read a chapter of The
Virgin Suicides then spend a couple of hours on tumblr before going to sleep. I
have to get up relatively early tomorrow because I am attending a fashion
writing course at the local adult education centre. It is for one day from nine
in the morning until three o’clock in the afternoon. It comes to town every
summer but the minimum participant age is sixteen. I have been waiting for this
for years but I do not feel as enthusiastic as perhaps I should do.
Infinite Love,
Willow
